I’ve got a brand new mindset, I can finally see the sunset

Where to even begin. So many thoughts and praises and prayers swimming around in my head. This is my attempt to sum up the past months into one somewhat understandable blog post. I apologize for the mess. Here we go.

The past months have been trying, stretching, exhausting and yet not so bad, knowing that my God is so unbelievably faithful, just, true and good. He is Jehovah-Jireh, Jehovah-Rapha, Jehovah-Shalom. My God my Provider, Restorer, my God of peace. I knew all these things, but only through a series of events, trials, whatever you choose to call them, have I really been able to experience them. His hand upon my life has become so evident to Him. I long to draw closer, to have an even more intimate personal relationship with my Lord then I ever imagined. In the days leading towards Easter, I did a 54 day fast for clarity. I prayed every day for an answer and literally to the day, to the hour that I had asked every day for my answer, He gave it to me. Clearer than summer skies, clearer than a billboard on the highway, clearer than the purest water. I’ve never experienced clarity or faithfulness like that. I burst into tears of joy. My God is REAL. He is LIVING. He is ACTIVE. He moves in mysterious, wondrous ways. He IS a part of my daily life, slowly and gently guiding me in the right direction, allowing me to make my own decisions, but rewarding me when I choose to follow HIS plan. And after all is said and done, He does know what is best for me. He lifted the blinders and allowed me to see what I couldn’t see before. My desire for my life is whatever He wants for me. That’s it. My worldly desires are gone. I have died to my flesh. My Only Desire is Him and the plans He has created for me. Many of you know that my Dad has been job-less for nine months. through a roller coaster of suffering, learning, praying, growing and giving, He has provided like we knew He would! He has blessed my Dad with a job! He is SO Faithful and good. We never lost faith. We KNEW He would provide in His timing and it is a glorious thing to experience Him actively keeping His word. Incredible.
This is what the Word taught me and continues to teach me daily: “You will be a crown of splendor in the LORD’s hand, a royal diadem in the hand of your God. The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor Him, for He is your Lord! As a bridegroom rejoices over His bride, so will your God rejoice over you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal! Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, He will come with vengeance; with divine retribution He will come to save you! Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past. See, He is doing a new thing! He makes everything beautiful in its time! For His thoughts are not our thoughts, Nor are His ways our ways. The LORD God is a sun and shield; He bestows favor and honor; no good thing does He withhold from those whose walk is blameless! And seek First the Kingdom and all these things will be added to you. But we know in ALL things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose!”

How absolutely incredible is that?! He continues to blow me away daily. My heart is full. I still have my lonely days, as we all do, but I know there is hope and a light coming for the heart that holds on. Everything is in HIS perfect timing, He is so sovereign. I do not desire anything of this world, anything that is not of Him. There is such Freedom in living a life guided by the Spirit. I am trusting Him in everything. Where He wants me, Who He has for me, everything. It’s all in His hands, in His timing. I have no need to worry. I know I am on the edge of something new, I can feel it in my spirit. But no need to rush, to worry, to wonder. It’s in His hands! He has blessed me with the most incredible group of friends, and it’s beautiful to watch Him weave our lives and hearts together. I have never met such genuine people in my life. So loving, so spirit filled, so giving. I am so thankful for each and every one of you and I cannot wait to see where He takes us as we walk this journey together.

Father, I thank you so much for everything You’ve given me. I ask You to continue to draw me closer and closer to Your heart. Thank you for the incredible people you’ve placed in my life, You have blessed me far beyond what I deserve. Thank you for Your Son and Your Spirit, Your love, forgiveness and guidance. Without You, I am nothing. Give me the strength to continue to desire only what is Your will for me. Amen

 

for once in a rare blue moon I see everything clear

Those old Switchfoot lyrics sum it up for me today. Today has felt new, fresh, I see things in perspective now. It’s like an awakening, a veil has been lifted from my eyes. Yes, I do realize it’s groundhog day and I’m pretty positive that has nothing to do with it. But for some reason I feel like my new year is starting today. I’m going to stick to my resolutions, I’m going to be healthier, I’m going to be passionate, and I am going to full force run into the Lord. No hesitations.

I want to live for the King and His Kingdom. That’s it! That’s my purpose. That’s His plan. Everything else will fall into place. There is no need for me to worry about tomorrow, or next month, or next year, or the next ten years. I know He has placed in me the desires and passions I have for a reason and I am trusting that He will fulfill His promises in His time. He works all things out for my good, and I can rest in that.

Father, my hands are open. I am giving up all control. Up until now I have still been hanging on to what I want. Take it all away. Your will, not mine. Mold me and shape me into the woman You need me to be. Prepare me for the beautiful future You have for me. I want nothing for my life except what You want. Strike a match within my soul, stir the desire within my heart to fully pursue You alone, as You have pursued me. Give me patience to wait upon You and Your perfect will. I am so undeserving of You and Your grace. Yet You continue to forgive me and fill me. Walk by my side through this season. May Your truth and love prevail and may You give me the strength to trust in Your perfect will for my life. Amen.

 

Tent Pitching

Have you ever felt stuck? Like you’ve sunk in quicksand? Not deep enough where you can’t breathe, not deep enough to make you entirely immobile, just deep enough to prevent you from walking forward. It’s not even that feeling of the world moving too fast around you. For me, sometimes it feels like it’s moving too slow. Maybe I’m crazy. I guess this is what we call the desert, the valley, or the wilderness. Wandering around aimlessly, trying to find my place.

Not exactly how I wanted to start a new year.

I’ve been fighting this feeling, wrestling with the Lord.

Yesterday I met with a very wise anointed woman and she told me this:

“Pitch your tent. When God had the Israelites wander in the wilderness, He didn’t tell them to get the heck out of there. He said, “pitch your tent. Stay here a while. Let me teach you unimaginable things while you’re here. You’ll get out soon enough” Too often we try to rush into the next mountain top He has for us instead of soaking up what all we can learn in the wilderness”

Needless to say, this made me weep. She summed up everything I was feeling into something that made sense.

I feel stuck sometimes, my mind gets ahead of me and I just get so fitful and antsy where I am. I just want to rush and move forward to the next big thing He has for me.

I am so impatient.

He is stirring something in me. I don’t know what it is yet. I think that’s why I get frustrated. I can feel that He is creating something big for me, and I can feel that it’s soon, but I don’t know what it is. I’m on the edge of something new.

So I’ll stay here, and I’ll wait. I’ll wait upon the Lord and His perfect plan.

His timing. His will. Not mine.

Lord, I want what You want for me when You want it. Grant me patience and hope to wait until then. Give me peace and contentment in this wilderness, teach me everything You can while I am here.

 

fresh start

I really don’t want to do a typical cliche “This is a New Year so I’m going to write all about the old year and what I want to do differently this year that I probably won’t follow through with.”

But I will tell you this much. 2009 was the year I grew up. I don’t know how many people grow up in a single year, but I sure did.

I fell in love with Jamaica all over again, which happens when you go twice in one year. I got in a terrible accident, broke my back, layed in bed for six weeks, wore a device resembling a turtle shell for three months, lost my front tooth, had a metal screw put it my mouth. But I should’ve been paralyzed. By the grace of God, I can walk. Take that, L5 vertebrae with 40% compression and 60% spinal intrusion. After that, everything changed. My life is totally and completely different than it was a mere eight months ago. I’m going new places. My dad lost his job, which is tough, but God our Provider proves himself once again. I have an incredible group of new beautiful friends. Different places, different people, different feelings… different me. I lost friends, gained friends, got my heart broken, had my heart healed, stretched, learned, and grew. I learned to love deeper than I ever have. I learned to forgive more than I ever have. I learned that life doesn’t slow down for you. Forgive, Love, and move on.

I got to know myself. That’s important. If you don’t know yourself, you should try it. Learn to love who the Lord created you to be. I learned that I love pictures even more than I thought I did, I crave music, Scripture makes my soul hungry for Jesus, I can’t wait to be a mama, I like brown a lot, I’m really really impatient always, and lazy sometimes, I normally blame it on my back. Know who you are; focus on the positive, improve the negative. Work on your character. Be your absolute best for Him. Throw yourself into Him and His word, follow His precepts, walk in His light. You’ll beam with His love. I mean, He died for us. The least we can do is live for Him.

But you know what I realized out of all of it? It’s really simple actually…

I’m blessed.

Thank You Lord for the things You’ve taught me and for the people I’m doing life with now. May You pour out Your blessings on us as we continue to seek Your face this following year.

 

pointless post

so different, it’s all so different than what i believed it would be. And that is perfectly acceptable to me.

I don’t cry half as much as I used to, I feel like a little resilient duck. Quack.
People come, people go, but the Lord is Everlasting, Unfailing, Faithful and True.

Speaking of people… I know some great ones. O Lord, I don’t deserve them. I’m blessed beyond compare with such wonderful Godly people in my life. I love you brothers and sisters, it’s a joy to do life with you.

I have been consuming music. I didn’t realize how much I missed playing it. Music soothes the soul and creates a hunger. I have an ever developing love and appreciation for the hymns, thank you Trinity Vineyard for making them so refreshing to me. They make my soul long for the Courts of the Lord. (www.trinityvineyard.com)

I am currently reading ”the Imitation of Christ” by Thomas A Kempis and there is more in that book that I can begin to comprehend. Chock full of good bits of God inspired wisdom, read it. Of course, it is in Old English, therefore I must read it out loud to myself in a British accent.

My website is up! www.kaylajohnsonphotography.com (exciting, right?!)

I am learning the true importance of being close with the Holy Spirit and hiding The Word in my heart. If I hunger for the word as much as I do for dark chocolate covered pomegranate candy, then He will do that neat little trick of bringing the scripture back to my mind when I need it to defend Him. It’s one of my favorite encounters with Him.

I am yearning to go to Africa. I never felt called there until the letter arrived from my sweet sponsor child, Felecite in Burkina Faso. she signed her letter to me, “see you soon.” Yes sweetheart, you will. I’ll hold you in my arms one day.

Do you ever long for eternity some days? Like you just wanna go Home?
For some reason I’ve been having a lot of those days. I think I’m just ready for the next season of my life to begin.

And I have an inkling that it will soon. Things have changed, are changing, will change.

Here I am Lord, Send me!

Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, “Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.” And God granted his request.

Yes, I do realize that this post is all over the place. Thus describes my mind and heart lately.

Father, grant me peace and discernment, focus and clarity. Keep your hand upon me, guide my steps in Your truth, stir the growing hunger in me for your word. Help me to become the woman You have created me to be. I’m ready, send me.

Selah.

 

late night ramblings

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. All of the sudden I’ve been thrown off kilter, bring me focus, Father. Help me to focus on You alone. I know we all have our off days, but help me to press on towards You. Grant me patience, I surely need it. You know the desires of my heart and I know I can trust that when I surrender my will and adopt Yours as perfection, You will grant me what I desire in Your perfect timing, because my desires have become whatever You want for me. I want to live a life of holiness, one that screams your greatness. I want to live a life worthy of the price You paid for me and that I may please You in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of You. I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God’s grace. Help me to shine with Your love, to be a light to those around me; allow me to glow with a love and purity that comes from You and You alone. I will delight in Your words, they are honey to my lips. Continue to create in me a hunger for Your word. Reveal to me the plans You have for me, plans You have had for me since before I was born. All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be, guide me to fulfill that perfect plan You created just for me. I know that You are always with me. If I go up to the heavens, You are there; if I make my bed in the depths, You are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast. You know my every thought, You see my every move. May my life be pleasing to Your sight, King of Glory. I know that even when things aren’t going the way I think is best, I can rest in the knowledge that Your thoughts and ways are so much higher than mine. And I know, like it says in Habakkuk, “Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign LORD is my strength; He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, He enables me to go on the heights.” Even when things aren’t going how I think they should, You ultimately still provide exactly what I need. Thank You for Your sovereignty. Holy Spirit, bring me Your presence and comfort to soothe this loneliness, You are all I need. Help me to seek First Your Kingdom, and all these things will be added to me. Provide me with clarity, discernment, wisdom and patience in the days to come, and a new boldness to share Your love. In Your name, Amen.

Colossians 1:10
Psalm 139
Psalm 27
Acts 20:24
Habakkuk 3:17-19

 

joyful

This is a quick post, more later

The past six months have literally been the most defining months of my life. I look back on who I was half a year ago… and I feel like now I am an entirely different person. O Lord, how You have worked in my life as only You can. It blows my mind! My soul is overflowing with love and joy. These past six months have been filled with some of the highest highs and lowest lows I have ever experienced. I have learned and am still learning what true love and friendship are, and what it means to fully be faithful and devoted to my Father. I cannot even describe the inexplicable joy that comes from living in His will, walking in His commands, it has set my heart free! I am so thankful for where He has brought me, though through the valley it was painful, it was worth it all. Thank You Lord for teaching me so many valuable lessons and for blessing me so. My life is so different that what I imagined it to be, and I thank You for that, Jesus!! Your thoughts and ways are so much higher than mine, and I am so grateful You see the big picture!!

Father, thank you for the wonderful people in my life. Thank you for allowing me to be surrounded by such beautiful, uplifting, encouraging brothers and sisters in You. I am blessed far beyond what I deserve.

Love to you all,
Kayla

 

Forgiveness

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians  3:12-14

Forgive as the Lord forgave you, Forgive as the Lord forgave you, Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
Ughh. Forgiveness is hard sometimes.

Father, fill me up. I ask for forgiveness. I have not trusted You like I should, I have not followed You like I should. I have not guarded my heart like I should. Father help me forgive like You forgive me. I do not deserve anything near to the Love You give, and I am in no place to withhold forgiveness. Thank you for the lessons that You teach me daily. Give me peace, help to let me let You be enough. Help me to forgive as You have forgiven me.

Kayla

 

apples to apples

The past month or so has been a roller coaster for me, filled with thoughts and emotions I have never experienced before. My world was intensified and I was thrown into depth I had not known, new levels of love, desire, loss, rejection, insecurity, guilt and brokenness. Any one of these is enough at one time, but all together and I felt as if I was drowning. I knew my heart had not been right, and everything starts with the heart. I knew I was beautiful, but I felt unwanted. I knew I was loved, but I felt rejected. I felt ashamed of my naivety and lack of wisdom. I felt guilty for ignoring my doubts, for pushing that voice aside. I knew the Lord was the only One who offered enduring love, faithfulness and fulfillment but I didn’t know how to get out of the mess I was in and allow Him to be what I needed and desired.

One day I was watching The Nines conference online, where 90 pastors from around the world spoke for nine minutes each. A Pastor from Australia came on and told this story. He was at an apple orchard with his two little girls when the oldest ran off. He searched for her and when he found her, she was eating rotten apples off the ground. She set her sights on what she could see, grabbed and tasted what was tangible, without thinking of anything else. These apples were covered in flies, rotten, half eaten, and dirty. Some weren’t rotten yet, but they definitely weren’t the best in the orchard. He ran over and said to her, “No sweetheart, let go, drop those and come with me! Lift up your eyes! Daddy has much better apples; just farther than you can reach! Sweeter, riper, perfect apples, the best you could possibly taste! Trust me and I will pick them for you!”

I literally burst into tears when he told that. Everything I had experienced up unto this point made sense. I am so guilty of becoming so focused on what I think is best for me. It may be a perfectly good thing. But I have stepped out of God’s will, taken things into my own foolish, selfish hands and only caused myself pain. I have prayed and prayed and prayed and learned something very valuable about our God that I didn’t know before. He has a perfect Will and a permissive Will. Obviously, look at Adam and Eve. He had this original sinless perfect plan for all of humanity. But He gave us free will. He could stop us, but sometimes He doesn’t, sometimes He allows things to happen. And this is what I learned. I became so focused on what I thought was best for me; I think He said, “Okay, my sweet child. You want this that badly? This is not My best for You. But I am going to give you a taste of what you desire. It’s going to be painful; it’s always painful when You don’t follow my Will. But I care for you, and I will give you the desire of Your heart to prove one thing to you. That MY best really IS best! I have something in store for you even better than you can imagine. But I will give you second best because you desire it, and I know you will come back to me wounded, but more devoted to me than before, knowing that My plan is perfection for your life.”

Oh how true this is. I was so focused on the apples I could see, I desired nothing but that. Once I got a taste, I abandoned all thought of God’s best, of the apples that I couldn’t see, couldn’t reach. It is so difficult to keep my eyes fixed on Him. Oh Father, help me to stay focused on you! I am so tired of being broken, of feeling unfulfilled. Monday night at Prime, I felt the Lord speaking to me so clearly. The message was literally exactly what I needed to hear. Steve was talking about the same struggle I am in, and he read this one verse and it all made sense. Matthew 6:32-33 says “…your heavenly Father knows that you need these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” Seek first His kingdom. Give my desires up. He knows my earthly desires, because He knows me better than anyone, even myself. He knit me together, His eyes saw my unformed body, He has always known me. He has always had a perfect plan for me, before I could come up with my own idea of perfection. I have always known that His plan is perfect. And yet when something that I think is perfect comes along, I reach for that. Like I know what’s good for me? Please. I’m so stupid. You know what is funny? We have always heard that part of Psalm 37 that says “delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desire of your heart” but you know what we fail to do? Read the next verse.

“Commit your way to the Lord and He will do this!” You can’t just say, “Okay Lord, I delight in Your company, You’re nice to have around, now give me what I want!” No! It doesn’t work like that! This is what I’ve learned, and this is the key point here so pay attention. When you are truly delighting in the Lord, the desire of your heart is HIM! When you commit your ways to Him, you realize that He really does know best, and you must give up every individual idea of perfection. Forget what I want, Lord! My heart’s desire is what YOU want for me! Oh Father, forgive me for ever wanting what wasn’t Your best. Sometimes we fall into the trap of settling for something good, something okay, something that could make us happy, without even thinking that the Father could be holding something unimaginably better for us in the future. Like the apples, what we see in front of us sometimes looks appealing, because it’s tangible, something we can touch and sense in that moment. It consumes us and we convince ourselves that it’s the best. We must align ourselves with His Will, by delighting in Him and sacrificially giving up our own earthly desires. He knows those! He wants us to be happy, He created those desires! But His thoughts and ways and timing are not ours. Our God exists outside of time. And like Matthew 6:33 says, “all these things will be given to you,” after we commit our ways to Him and seek first His kingdom.

He wants us to be happy while we are here, He did create those things we desire, but that is NOT why we are here on this earth. We are here to further His Kingdom, to love others and to lead them to Him. All these things will be given to me, but not until I fully commit myself to Him. I mean, think about it. The Creator of the Universe, the Faithful One, the One who will NEVER leave or forsake, the Holy One… HE loves ME. Stubborn, idealistic, passionate, lazy, overly sensitive, insecure ME. He loves me more than anyone ever has or ever will. Wait a second, why do I let my earthy desires take up so much of my heart and thoughts? He is ever Faithful, ever True. How blessed am I to be the servant of one so Holy? The creator of the Universe speaks tender words of love to me!?

He has spoken this over me: “How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the maidens. Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me. How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride! You have stolen my heart! My desire is for you!” That makes me giggle and even blush a little. He loves me THAT much?! That’s insane. Oh let me hear His voice, for His voice is sweet and His face is lovely. He has taken me to the banquet hall, and His banner over me is love. Let me hear His voice; for He is altogether lovely. I am my Beloved’s and He is mine! This is my lover, this is my Friend! I belong to my lover and His desire is for ME! One so faithful, One so True. He will never leave or forsake me. That phrase has become a bit cliché, so much that I think it’s been doubted. But it rings clearer to me today than it ever has. He promises never to leave, and He is always truthful and will literally never fail. We all know 1 Corinthians 13 as the “Love” chapter. But think on this, God is love. He is everything that passage says and more. Why would I desire anything but absolute perfect love? The rest will be given to me in His time, and for now, He is more than enough for me.

O Loyal, Faithful, Perfect God, here and now I hand over my desires. I know You have created those, but You are enough for me. I only want your absolute best for me. If it is not in Your perfect will, I do not desire it. My desire is for you, my Lover, Friend and Counselor. You have in Your hands a perfect plan for me, help me to follow that. Thank you for the lessons You have taught me through this pain, I wouldn’t take a moment of it back. I have learned to love myself for who I genuinely am in You, to not settle for anything but Your best, and to seek You and Your kingdom above all else. Help me to keep my eyes fixed on You, away from rotten apples. Help me to truly guard my heart and to trust that You have something so much better for me, just a little beyond my reach, and all I have to do… is lift my eyes to You.

 

Be still and know

be still and know, be still and know, be still and know that He is God.
“Be still and know that I am God…” Psalm 46:10

okay. I’ve heard that one a million times.
I am still… sorta. God, why do I not hear You? You use other people to speak to me, but I never hear that “Still Small Voice.” I’m in a different bible study every night of the week. I basically live at church. I eat, sleep and breathe this. It is my life. So why don’t I feel You? Yeah yeah, there’s always worship at church, but that little emotional high is not enough. I am craving direction in my life. I have been anticipating something huge! I am told over again, “girl, you are anointed. God really has a great plan for your life, I see Him shining through you! Your future is so bright!” Thanks. But I would really love to actually know what I’m supposed to do with my life. That still small voice would come in handy right about now. God, you’ve given me these desires, these gifts, these loves, but how am I supposed to use this? You’ve given me this deep, overwhelming desire to be a wife and mother… but uhh… where’s that man of mine? I’m praying for him every night… but I’m not seeing it. God, it would be great if Your still small voice could just whisper his name, so I will just know, and he will just know. A man after Your own heart! And then I can really start serving You they way my little heart desires. That’s what I want. But I want whatever You want… Your thoughts are higher than my thoughts, Your ways are higher than mine! God I am being stil… sorta. I’m just so busy with church stuff, I’m as still as possible. I mean mom keeps telling me I need to slow down, slow down, slow down. “You’re going to wear yourself out! You don’t wanna get sick! You have to stop saying yes to everything! Just stay at home and rest!” But God, I am so busy doing things for You! Can’t You just talk to me amongst all this running around? Just speak!

On Sunday May 3rd, 2009, as I was going to Wendy’s with the gang after church, I turned left off East Paulding Drive out onto Dallas Highway… Like i’ve done a million times. And because of the completely random out-of-no-where rain shower that accured ten minutes before… there was water in the road. And my beautiful little 1972 Beetle decided to hydroplane. My car spun, went over the median, and hit another car head on. My head hit the steering wheel, resulting in a concussion, blood pouring from my mouth, and my teeth being scrambled up. Needless to say, my pour car was totaled. After being lifeflighted to Atlanta in my first ever helecoptor ride, I spent four days in the hospital, three in ICU. I have a broken vertebrae in my back, some nerve damage in my legs, I’m just now starting to walk normally. Well then. Four days in the hospital. Laying there. With nothing but my thoughts. My busy schedule, shattered, just like my back.
Hey… wait a second…

I’m still. still. I am still. I am laying in a hospital bed in Atlanta, in the trauma unit.
yeahh. that is about as still as you can get. considering I couldn’t move.
“Six weeks on bedrest, three months in the back brace.”
WHAT? But my schedule! My Plans!
Wait… what am I saying? MY plans. When did I start living for those?
I am supposed to be focusing on God’s plan.
I remember one night crying in the middle of the night in pain and whispering,
“Father… why did this happen? This is not fair!”
Sometimes, when you are in the middle of something like this, it is hard to be thankful…
for what DIDN’T happen. Like the fact that if my spine had fractured any higher, I would be paralyzed.
a vegetable. Unable to move for the rest of my life. Or that I didn’t slip under when I had the concussion, thanks to Nick for keeping me awake. Or that my teeth were messed up, but none fell out.
Or the fact that everyone in the other car walked away unharmed. Oh yeah.

Or this fact: when my dad went to pick up the car, the man at the towing place asked him about the passenger in the car, if they were alright. My dad informed the man that there was no passenger, I was alone. The man asked my dad to follow him, as he showed him where the seat had ejected from its frame, which can only happen when there is weight in the seat, when someone is sitting there. Or the fact that the windshield is shattered on the passenger side of the car, when I hit only on the drivers side. And the fact that the way the windshield is shattered looks exactly like a head hit it. Someone’s head hit my windshield. The Passenger. One I could not see, but as the evidence proves…

I was not alone two Sunday nights ago. I was entertaining an Angel and I had no idea.

and this came to my mind. I realized, He doesn’t have to speak to us audibly. Sometimes He just calls things to our memory. Like this that popped in my head that night…
“For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper and not to harm you. Child, My thoughts are so much higher than yours, My ways so much higher than your ways! Just be still and know whio I Am!”
there it is again. that be still stuff. Well, I am still now.

And I realized… that is exactly why this happened. One, I learned that I was loved. Yeah I knew that. but when I found out that there were around EIGHTY people in the waiting room that night, EIGHTY PEOPLE, and countless letters, cards, facebook comments, and flowers… I really learned that I really matter to people. I had NO idea that my every day life, my attitude, my heart, enfluenced as many people as it has. I was overwhelmed by the love, compassion, support and affection. I know for a fact that I had five prayer teams at five different churches on their knees praying for me, and continuing to pray for my complete healing. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced.
And then two,
I was going too fast! It is entirely possibly to be living for the Lord and somehow in the back of your head still have your own plans for your life. I did. And this one unexpected accident shattered my plans. My plans for my summer! I was so excited about summer. And now… in a back brace? fun stuff.

But you know what? As I was digesting this whole “forget your day-to-day life and all your plans”, someone sent me a message. One of many facebook messages, but I opened this one first. And was astounded. A woman from church said something along the lines of “God has placed you on my heart, and I feel the need to share something with you. This keeps coming back to my mind over and over and I feel Him telling me to tell you this. Psalm 46:10 says, ‘Be Still and know that I am God.’ Is there something God is trying to tell you that maybe you were going too fast to hear? Is He telling you to just be still and listen? Sometimes it takes us getting out of our every day lives to hear what great things He has for us!”

Okay… there is that verse again… that is true, I guess. I am still. Why I don’t I feel anything? I have felt for a while that something big was going to happen in my life. But I didn’t expect this…
The next day, I randomly picked up the book “90 Minutes in Heaven”, i heard it was good for people who had been in accidents. It was good… then I turned the page and saw right in the middle…
“Be still and know that I am God” Psalm 46:10
Okay… weird. But this morning, my mom brought me a card that came in the mail, from my grandparents. A sweet little recovery card with a bird on it. And written at the bottom of the inside of the card, in my Nana’s familar writting said,
“Be Still and know…”

Wow. Talk about a smack in the face! Basically that makes perfect sense. I am stupid! He was telling me all along! “Child, how do you expect me to direct your path, to be by your side through your trials, to help you make desicions, to give you answers to you questions, to give your life a purpose… if you aren’t slowing down long enough to listen to Me? I tried! You were too busy! You slow yourself down for a minute, but your mind is still running! Shut it down! Give me room to speak!”

Well. that one I heard loud and clear. And not even from the Audible voice of God, the one that Moses heard. I heard that in the back of my mind, flowing out through my fingertips as I type this. Well what do you kniow. God is speaking to me. In a different way than what I thought was the “right way”‘. All this time I was convinced I was doing something wrong because I never “hear Him” like others do. Well maybe, just maybe, He has a different way of speaking to each one of us. With me, I learned that it is through people, or through the Holy Spirit pulling scripture up to my mind. Who would of thought! All I had to do was be still. And really be still. How can I expect His plan to unfold when I am not the best that I can be? How can I expect Him to bring that Godly leader of a man into my life, when I am not sure if I am worthy of that yet? How can I expect my life to continue unto His will, if I am not truly chasing after Him and desiring the desires of HIS heart, instead of mine?

Oh Lord, Your thoughts and ways are higher than mine. May Your will be done in my life. I take comfort in knowing that You work everything out for the benefit of those who love You. Thank You for showing me what real love is, thank You for blessing me with such incredible people in my life, thank You for taking me to a knew level through all of this. Thank You for being there by my side, holding my hand, commanding Your angels to surround me, and whispering in my ear… something that I knew all along…

“Be Still.”